Just a short post this week, it’s been a bit of a roller coaster and it’s not likely to slow down soon. I think it’s probably time to address my mental health in a more public forum.
At the beginning of last week, I watched in horror as my facebook was flooded with tributes to an incredible young woman that I knew growing up. Belinda and I played soccer together and I was very close to her boyfriend at the time. Belinda had MS, and I will not say she suffered MS because she strode tall and powerful in the face of a debilitating disease. If you didn’t know, you wouldn’t be able to tell. I haven’t spoken to Belinda in many years, since high school really but her death came as a shock. The whole accident was the visceral definition of “bad things happen to good people”, and she left behind a life she built for herself from the ground up.
Watching people around her mourning so deeply and writing commemorations and tributes that attest to the incredible person she was had me crying and laughing and overall, sobering up. The message at the end of all the messages was that life is short, and it is. Just a few days before, I was in a mild depressive episode as I remembered my Dad on the third anniversary of his death. I’m not willing to talk about him yet, I have a lot to work through before I can even get my head around it. But he was only 62 years old. Life is short and anything can happen and I know that I feel invincible, like it couldn’t happen to me. I guess it’s a deflective mechanism. It’s hard to say as a scientist, but I really truly believe in guardian angels. I was brought up in a Jewish household where there is no hell but there is heaven and I can feel it in me that my grandmother, grandfather and great uncle and aunt watch over me. They keep me safe and I think I have to have faith in that to stay sane, otherwise anxiety could honestly take over my life and I won’t let it.
I also had to cancel a date this week because of a combination of this depressive slump I’m in but also because my weight has got the better of my self confidence. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, it has always been my weakness. I did manage to lose 20kg across 2016/2017 but then I hit rock bottom and got put on wonderful medication that make my life a lot easier but has caused me to gain it all back and more. In recent times, I’ve been a big pusher of anti-fat shaming and fat-phobia, I pride myself on body positivity and I truly believe that all bodies deserve love. But I still can’t apply it to myself. Being in this mindset is depressing and it takes all my spoons but sometimes it’s inevitable. When you’ve been told your whole like that the worst thing you can be is fat, having fat-phobic slurs slung at you, when you’ve been conditioned to associate fat with bad – it can be hard to move past.
The state of the world right now is dark and scary, everything is on fire and no one is safe and millennial burnout is overwhelming me right now as well.
And finally, I saw Avengers Endgame. I had so much riding on this movie that I was anxious about seeing it, for the first time in my life I was anxious about seeing a movie. I have a feeling my anxiety is getting worse but I don’t have the spoons to consider that. I cried a lot in Avengers, as I’m sure many did. But I think I cried for a plethora of reasons – not just the plot. When I was a kid, I used to read comic books. I was fat, I had glasses, I had braces and I was going through some top shelf shit both at school and at home. I remember one day, I was reading a Captain America comic alone at lunch and a boy and his gang came up, ripped it from my hands and tore it to shreds and told me I had to read comics to make up friends because I didn’t have any. When I got home, I threw out all my comics in tears. It wasn’t until I finished high school and was convinced to go and see the first Avengers in 2012 with two friends in my gap year that I got back on that ship. I fly that fan flag high and full of pride now, but it’s been a journey. A lot has happened to me in the last 7 years – births, deaths, highs, lows and only now has it seemed to have turned into a positive light. It has officially been a year since I self harmed, and a year since I considered ending my own life. Through all the ups and downs, all the highs and lows – the Avengers were always a high. The feeling of redemption, character development, the happy endings were always something to look forward to. When my Dad first got diagnosed with lung cancer and was given 24 hours to 2 months to live (he lasted 12 months), my friend got me a life sized cut out of Captain America because I absolutely adore Chris Evans and he’s come with me through a lot since 2015. Now I have Captain America paraphernalia everywhere and I love it. So, seeing the last 7 years come to an end was also retrospective for me to see how far I’ve come from watching the Avengers on opening night in a tiny cinema in a tiny town to being a PhD student studying elephant conservation in Australia’s capital city. Having it all rehashed and having the memories flood back was a bit too much for me. Ultimately – no spoilers – I think that despite a few flaws, they did exceedingly well. And honestly, I will never get over Chris Evans. If he’s reading this – please, I just wanna touch your butt.
Ok, a little longer than intended. But, it goes to show that even if your life is in tip top shape (which I feel lucky enough to say mine is close to being), it’s a delicate balance. As a result of everything, I feel behind on my PhD but actually I have two papers ready to write which is pretty advanced for 3 months in! And I’m going to Melbourne next week. Things will look up. There has been a lot of love recently, but also what feels like a lot of war. I’ve come an awful long way from the angry, broken puzzle of a girl who threw all her comics out. I’m literally surrounded by friends, goodness knows why, and so much love and so much support. Another person who has helped me through a lot over the last 7 years has been Passenger, and I have too much to say about him but this has been my song for the last fortnight so I recommend giving it a listen.
Here’s a little photo of my happiest, safest and most peaceful place on this earth that’s kept me anchored as well.
After all, if we all light up we can scare away the dark.
Girl With an Elephant Tattoo 